I Perform Better in the Pool with a Few Drinks Inside Me, Says Phelps

A few vodka Red Bulls before a race works wonders

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Michael Phelps

Following a string of drug and alcohol-related controversies, swimming legend Michael Phelps has publicly admitted for the first time that a ‘good drink in the mornings’ improves his performance in the pool.

The 18-time Olympic gold medal winner claims to drink up to ‘8 bottles of Michelob beer before heats, and then follows that up with a ‘few whisky chasers’ just before finals.

“I’m shit scared of water,” said Phelps. “I gasp for air and totally panic unless I’m half cut, so sinking a few bevvies before I compete is just my way of overcoming my fear.

“Sometimes I overdo it though, but a few lines of coke and a nice big spliff gets me back on track. I can’t remember winning the 4×100 relay gold medal, but that was only because I’d been on the Jack Daniels since 5am that day.

“People say to me ‘Michael, you can’t drink like that and remain a serious competitor’. But look what I’ve achieved. OK, I often have to soak it up with a kebab if I’m competing in multiple events, but I can handle it.”

Phelps’ antics have caused outrage in the swimming community, and it is believed that the legendary swimmer is being investigated for taking ‘performance enhancing drugs’, but that hasn’t stopped Smirnoff Vodka from becoming his new sponsor.

CEO of Smirnoff James Forster spoke of his delight at the new relationship.

“Smirnoff is a premium vodka, and Michael Phelps is a premium sportsman. We wanted our vodka to be associated with winners, and he certainly falls into that category

“Mr Phelps will now be exclusively drinking Smirnoff before major competitions. People say this is an irresponsible move on our part, but that is completely unfair. We have insisted that he take his vodka with a little orange juice the moment he starts to feel dizzy or nauseous.”