Qatar World Cup

As the world awaits for official confirmation of exactly when the 2022 World Cup will take place, a representative from the Qatar World Cup organising committee has insisted that strong sun improves player performance.

Salim Hasan Khalifa Rashid al-Kuwari (Sally to his friends) has produced a research paper from the Qatari Ministry of Information claiming that extended physical exertion in direct sunlight and scorching temperatures trigger hormonal changes in humans that increase strength, speed and stamina.

Al Kuwari was unrepentant after criticism from the World Health Organisation.

“I have seen this evidence for myself. We sent 200 Bangladeshi builders out into the summer sun for periods of 12 hours. They worked hard on delivering the World Cup dream for Qatar, and at no point did they complain.

“Yes, they turned a very odd colour, and around 20 of them required skin grafts afterwards, but my god did they work hard. And I refute the allegations that these men were threatened with beatings and deportation iif they didn’t thank Allah for the work being provided for them.

“The Qatari World Cup organising committee takes the welfare of international athletes very seriously. This is why we are proposing that matches are cut from 90 minutes to 20 minutes. We also want to have intravenous saline solutions waiting on the touchline during every match.

“And let us not overplay the seriousness of temperatures in the Emirates. There were several days last summer when the temperature barely made it past 40C.

“Please, my friends in Europe and across the world, Qatar is ready. Our top scientists are developing technology that will cool the temperature across the entire country.”

Despite these claims from al Kuwari, FIFA is considering its options. Among the proposals being discussed are plans to play every match at World Cup 2022 at the stroke of midnight.