After a highly competitive, and sometimes brutal, bidding process, Blackpool has won the race to be crowned as the ‘English Faliraki.
Fending off competition from the likes of Newcastle, Hastings and Southend-on-Sea, Blackpool used a combination of intimidatory tactics and bribery to win the accolade.
The title of ‘English Faliraki’ was initially mooted by Culture Secretary Sajid Javid in response to an alarming fall in the number of British people spending their holidays in the UK. The jubilant MP was the first to congratulate the people of Blackpool.
“The people of Blackpool have been telling me that no one or place in the world does tacky and bawdy like the Blackpool does, so I’m over the moon they now have something to get excited about.
“We were looking for a place where women aren’t afraid to run topless through the streets. We wanted the ‘English Faliraki’ to be a place where people feel confident enough to have sex in back streets. Indeed, when the judging panel visited the town, several people were having sex on the beach. Lovely stuff!
“Most of all, we wanted the winner to reflect what it means to be British. We like our drink, we like sex, and we particularly like to enjoy both at the same time. You only have to walk across the sticky carpets of Blackpool’s top bars to realise that this is a party town!
However, not all of Blackpool’s residents are happy about this new accolade. One resident told us of his dismay at his home town being portrayed in this way.
“Blackpool might have its fair share of drink-fuelled violence, promiscuous sex and questionable kebabs, but that’s an image we’re trying desperately to distance ourselves from,” said James Sutherland of St. Annes.
“There are loads of shittier places in England than Blackpool. I mean, I can’t think of many now, but I’m sure there are loads.”
In celebration at Blackpool’s victory, it has been announced that visitors will be treated to free contraception, lube and a four-pack of Carlsberg Special Brew for al fresco drinking along the promenade. There are also to be designated vomit and ejaculation zones at strategic points along the Blackpool coastline.