Britain to Prepare for Travelling Salesman Shortage Following Ashley Madison Hack

Ashley Madison users asked to contact the website via a Tweet to report stolen information

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Ashley Madison promo photo
Photo: Ashley Madison

Sources from within the UK government are making preparations for a national shortage of travelling salesmen following the hacking of cheats’ website AshleyMadison.com.

Tens of thousands of suited and booted male sales executives across the UK are expected to go into hiding after thousands of user accounts were stolen from the infamous sex cheat site. The car industry is also bracing itself for a huge drop in demand for Ford Mondeos, Volkswagen Passats and BMWs.

The group responsible for stealing user information from the site is threatening to publish the details of cheating men and women on the internet. However, of the 37 million registered users, it appears only four of them are women. More worryingly, a huge 10 million are ‘mature professional men’ from the UK.

A spokesperson for the site that allows married people to cheat with like-minded users all over the world was quick to play down the crisis:

“We can confirm that the personal details, photos and account information of 37 million users around the world has been compromised. However, we are confident that the hackers just want to steal from the bank accounts of our registered members. Our members shouldn’t be worried that their members are suddenly going to appear on Facebook overnight.

“We ask that any of our members who have photos of their members on the Ashley Madison website contact us directly via Twitter. Your predicament will be dealt with the utmost discretion. Please use ‘#dickpic’ on any Tweets you send us.”

The Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills Sajid Javid MP also sought to play down the crisis.

“Look, we are prepared for the sudden drop in this country’s productivity as a result of the impact this crisis will have on sales executives. There will be, for a while, a shortage of cleaning products, shammy cloths, female sanitary products in public toilets and various other consumer products sold by travelling salesmen up and down the country.

“We ask that everyone remains calm, and we hope that Ashley Madison can secure the personal details of its members – and get Britain selling again.”