France Bans All British Food

Diplomatic storm erupts as France bans the humble British pasty.

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A Cornish pasty

The French government has announced a ban on all British food with immediate effect, and the news has caused shockwaves throughout Europe.

After an increase in the number of French citizens spotted eating flaky pasties and deep-fried cod, health officials in the country decided that a ban was necessary for the good of the population’s health.

Although a full list of the foods involved has yet to be released, it is understood that Britain’s potato industry and high street retailer Greggs face economic annihilation.

A source close to France’s health ministry was bullish about the decision:

“France is a place for beautiful food, not fried potato, chocolate bars and hand-held food with the word ‘meat’ in the title,” said Laurent Fabius of Paris. “We were concerned that British food was making us fat, so we banned it. It’s simple!

“In Paris, for instance, we are not used to seeing the gravy stains down the clothes. We also don’t like what the Brits do to their fish… it’s just not French. And I swear, if I see another egg covered in sausage meat and breadcrumbs I will personally send it back to England myself!”

While the news was welcomed by most people in France, the ban has caused fury amongst British food producers and retailers. David Simpson from Glasgow-based snack manufacturer ‘Lard and Tatties’ was incandescent with rage:

“They eat fu**ing frog’s legs for fu**’s sake! They are more than happy to throw fu**ing snails down their gullets, but they won’t eat meat fu**ing pies and haggis? Those French fu**ers wouldn’t know a tasty fu**cking snack if it invaded their sh***y fu**ing country and forced them to fu**ing surrender.”

We understand that a reciprocal ban is off the agenda. A source close to the British government insisted that such a ban had been mooted, but a survey commissioned by Whitehall officials concluded that ‘Brits don’t eat any of that shit.’

Although pasties, meat pies and lamb-based kebab meat are already off the menu across the channel, it is only a matter of time before sugar-laden chocolate bars, Pot Noodles and pork scratchings suffer a similar fate.

  • Senga Simpson

    This is f***ing David Simpson’s wife, big Senga here. I’m no f***ing having the f***ing food taking out our kid’s mouth’s by these f***ing picky eaters. If they stop buyin oor f***ing pies, then we’re sending all that f***ing smelly garlic back to them. They can keep their pissy smelling perfume too. There’s now’t wrong with our f***ing pies, I eat them all the time and I’m a trim size 20. French men need to remember ‘There’s no fun in squeezing a f***ing skeleton’. I tweeted Nicola and she’s outside Francois Hollande’s office right now with a placard, ‘Save our f***ing pies’. Senga and David Simpson, Senga jnr, David jnr and Scamp, Glasgow.