Looking Sideways at Urinals Now Illegal

Birmingham man first in UK to be charged with new urinal etiquette offence

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Men at urinals

After a series of ‘misunderstandings’ in toilets up and down the country, MPs have finally voted in favour of making sideways glances at urinals illegal in England and Wales.

The number of assaults and altercations in public toilets throughout the country has been rising steeply for three years, and after research commissioned by the Home Office, it was revealed that the cause of 80 percent of incidents was related to breaches of urinal etiquette.

Home Office spokesperson Reginald Potter explained why the new law was needed.

“Look, most respectable, law-abiding men know that it’s eyes straight ahead at the urinals. Unfortunately, a small minority of men have succumbed to the temptation of stealing a sideways glance at what the user next door is packing in their pants.

“This is not the behaviour of English gentlemen. The actions of a few undesirables in pub and motorway services toilets is leading to fights and assaults. A rather unsavoury case in Newcastle resulted in a man requiring three stitches and cosmetic surgery on his manhood. Something had to be done.”

Despite widespread calls for legislation among the general public, the new law has proved extremely unpopular in city centre toilets throughout England and Wales.

“This is political correctness gone mad,” said 34-year-old builder Tony Harrington.

“They want to take every little pleasure away from us. First it was smoking indoors, now it’s grabbing a look at private parts in toilets. This country is going to the dogs.

“I was using a urinal in Birmingham city centre the other day, and before I could put it back in my pants, two coppers had my arm up my back. They cautioned me for breaches of urinal etiquette and fined me £100!

“I’m no longer allowed to use public toilets between the hours of 7pm and 6am. I’ve also been ordered to attend urinal etiquette classes twice a week for two years. I hope the press don’t get hold of this because the lads will never let me forget it.”