Remaining Guantanamo Inmates to Form Boy Band

Watch your backs, One Direction. There are new kids on the block.


Guantanamo inmates

As calls for the release of Guantanamo Bay’s final detainees grow, it has emerged that eight of the men still incarcerated in the infamous prison are to form a boy band.

The eight prisoners, who have been held without trial for several years, are to launch their pop career under the stewardship of Louis Walsh. The X Factor judge is excited about launching such a niche boy band, but he believes the world will embrace ‘One Insurrection’.

“I’ve been trawling the streets of Cork for new talent since Westlife split up. But it occurred to me that I needed to be looking around the word for talent.

“I didn’t want to start just another smiling, white, pretty boy band just like the dozens of bands I’ve started in the past. I then realised that Jihadists, terrorists and genocidal despots have been desperately under-represented in the world of pop for too long.

“One Insurrection came about after I flew into Guantanamo to meet Ghaleb Nasser, who has been in the prison since 2002. We had a chin-wag about music, football and the various ways in which the infidel must be slaughtered. It was a lot of fun.

“Ghaleb then asked me if I thought he had the look for a band. I told him yes, but I insisted that he had to be a good singer. I’ve started too many shitty boy bands in the past with only one decent singer – I wanted this to be different.

“Ghaleb sang a beautiful composition of his own entitled ‘Death to the Non-Believers. And he then followed it up with the 1999 Syrian hit ‘Paradise Comes to Those Who Hate’. He then sang a number called ’12 Sticks of Semtex Hanging off the Chest’, and it brought tears to my eyes. He has a fantastic upper range.”

One Insurrection will kick of with a tour of the Middle East, starting with a series of wasteland gigs in IS territory throughout Syria. Their debut album – ‘Mohammed Was a Rolling Stone’ – is set for worldwide release in April 2015.