Merkel and Hollande Step Up Campaign of Jovial Lunches with Putin


Merkel, Hollande and Putin do lunch

As a very fragile ceasefire in Ukraine continues, Angela Merkel and Francois Hollande have announced a stepping up of a campaign of polite lunch meetings with Vladimir Putin.

Putin’s clandestine operations in Ukraine have continued despite sanctions and repeated warnings from the West, and it seems the end of the line has been reached for both Merkel and Hollande.

An aide close to German Chancellor Merkel was unequivocal in her condemnation of the Russian premier.

“Putin’s actions have directly led to the slaughter of innocent men and women across eastern Ukraine. We simply can’t allow this butchery and flagrant breach of international law to continue, which us why we are announcing a series of hot fork buffets in Moscow.

“Both Mr Hollande and Mrs Merkel will be using these lavish spreads to show the Russian leader that the free world simply won’t be bullied or intimidated. We thought that ramping up the pressure with a mild Thai curry would send a clear message to Putin and his cronies. We’ve also taken steps to ensure that there is a mushroom stroganoff on standby… for vegetarians.

“I want to make it abundantly clear that this is just the first step in a long range plan involving increasingly lavish lunch spreads. We have not ruled out the use of roasts, nouvelle cuisine and Pot Noodles in our long-term strategy of forcing Putin to the negotiating table.”

As news of this bold new strategy broke today, rumours started to spread of dinners and black-tie events being used – should the initial campaign of tasty lunches not force the Russian leader to rethink his plans for eastern Ukraine.

However, sources close to Putin claimed that the last lunch served up by Hollande and Merkel was less than satisfactory. A spread of wraps and sandwiches was branded stale, unappealing and lacking originality by Putin’s team.