Total Annihilation of Ukraine Unlikely, Says Putin

Putin is confident that he won't be forced to invade and conquer neighbouring Ukraine

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Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin has announced that the total annihilation of Ukraine is very unlikely.

The Russian Premier was talking to a state television news channel when he made the promise, but he refused to rule out a devastating invasion and the use of intercontinental nuclear missiles.

Mr Putin was in bullish mood before the cameras on Monday. In front of several carefully selected members of the world’s press, Putin displayed bravado and wit in his attempts to shake off the villainous and evil label he believes has been wrongly bestowed upon him by world leaders.

“I have been accused of illegally invading another sovereign nation, but Russia is absolutely not involved in the ongoing conflict in eastern Ukraine.

“Yes, the Ukrainian terrorists have managed to acquire state-of-the-art weaponry and advanced surveillance equipment, but I can promise you we did not supply these brave and virtuous separatists with such equipment.

“We want to be friends with Ukraine. To interfere in another nation’s politics, and to promote insurrection with the use of clandestine operatives, is perhaps the greatest display of friendship one country can bestow on another.

“We have taken a poll of the people in Ukraine, and 98 percent of the 10 people we asked were in favour of closer ties with Mother Russia. You simply can’t argue with statistics like that!

“We have taken this as permission to drive further into the country and take huge areas of land mass for ourselves… although I’m not saying Russia has any involvement in this conflict.

“We are taking many precautions to ensure that eastern Ukraine is only mildly decimated. We have no intention of annihilating Ukraine, as we want to rule it one day. Like my pappy used to say ‘never shit where you eat’.”

A source close to the Kremlin has told us that Russia is committed to the ceasefire recently brokered with the help of Angela Merkel and Francois Hollande. However, unless Ukrainians stop trying to defend the lives of their families and their property, Russian troops would reluctantly be forced to resume hostilities.