Tuesday, March 20, 2018

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Old man, 100 years old

It Wasn’t Worth It, Says 97-Year-Old Teetotaller

A 97-year-old man in Peterborough has declared that 50 years of avoiding alcohol just wasn't worth the effort. Freddie Kyle gave up drinking when he...
Man with fat belly

Fat Man Used for Obesity News Reports to Sue

The Nottingham-based office worker used by TV news channels to depict the UK's obesity crisis is to sue, it has been revealed. Timothy Walker, 41,...
Sir David Attenborough

Top Naturalists Get Loads of Fanny, Says Sir David Attenborough

After years of speculation, Sir David Attenborough has finally confirmed that the UK's top naturalists and zoologists 'get loads of fanny'. Sir David was talking...
Soyuz rocket taking off

British Astronaut Tim Peake Misses Rocket Launch After ‘Sleeping In’

British astronaut Major Tim Peake sensationally missed the launch of the Soyuz rocket today after using the sleep function on his iPhone 6's alarm...
Nurofen tablets

Nurofen ‘Pain in the Arse’ Brand Removed from British Shelves

Following an Australian court's decision to remove several of Nurofen's branded pain relief from the shelves, a UK court has followed suit by banning...
Wind Turbines

Energy Bills to Plummet, But Only if Britain Remains Very Very Windy

Environment Secretary Liz Truss has announced that energy bills in Britain will plummet in the future, but only if recent strong winds continue. The government...
A fat man eating a kebab

Kebab Meat is Made from Potato, Insist Drunk Vegetarians

A group of drunk vegetarian activists have claimed that kebab meat is made from potato and various herbs and spices. Several members of the 'Don't...
Packet of Flamin' Hot Monster Munch

Walker’s Crisp Finally Reveal What a ‘Flamin Hot’ Is

After many years of speculation, the manufacturers of corn-based snack Monster Munch have revealed that a 'Flamin Hot' is a collection of synthetic chemical...
Mars One Mission

‘Mars One’ Mission to Decide Between Pinewood and Elstree Studios for Fake TV Pictures

The great minds and intellect behind the 'Mars One' mission that aims to colonise the Red Planet will this week decide whether to film...
Men at a urinal

Avoid Urine ‘Splashback’ By Pissing in Sinks, Say Scientists

Scientists from the World Health Organisation have revealed that urinating directly into sinks is the best way to avoid the scourge of so-called 'splash-back'. A...