It Wasn’t Worth It, Says 97-Year-Old Teetotaller


Old man, 100 years old

A 97-year-old man in Peterborough has declared that 50 years of avoiding alcohol just wasn’t worth the effort.

Freddie Kyle gave up drinking when he was 47 years old after an unfortunate incident with a local prostitute at the local dog’s home.

Following surgery for bites and anal stretching, Kyle decided to quit drinking for good.

“I wanted to live a very long time,” said Fred. Doctors were just starting to talk about drinking being linked to cancer. I also didn’t want to be waking up in a pool of my own vomit at 50.

“So I just quit cold turkey. And I have to say, I wish I hadn’t. I’m 97 now, and all my friends and family are dead. I might be here, but I can’t tell you how many piss-ups I’ve missed through the years.

“I’m fucking sick of tea. People say drink is bad for you, and it shortens your life. But there is no feeling in the world like getting off your tits. And who the fuck wants to live until they’re 100.

“The irony is that I’d love a drink now, but I’m too old and frail to get to the shop. I tried a beer for my 90th birthday but it played havoc with my prostate. I was pissing non-stop for three days.

“My advice to anyone thinking of quitting drink is don’t bother.”