Kebab Meat is Made from Potato, Insist Drunk Vegetarians

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A fat man eating a kebab

A group of drunk vegetarian activists have claimed that kebab meat is made from potato and various herbs and spices.

Several members of the ‘Don’t Eat Food with a Face’ pressure group were spotted stumbling out of a Newcastle kebab shop in the early hours of Saturday morning. When they were approached and challenged about their actions, they became involved in a heated and very public dispute with a journalist.

According to one particularly drunken member of the group, kebab meat is a little-known superfood that delivers anti-oxidant properties and helps the digestive system.

Tina Fryer saw the entire incident unfold:

“All I saw was four drunken arseholes giggling and eating extra larger doners; they’re ten a penny in Newcastle on a Saturday night. I had no idea they were vegetarians until a journalist asked them for a comment.

“One of the vegetarians got very angry, and told the journalist to mind his own fu*cking business. He then said that they’d chosen the vegetarian option – made from potatoes.

“All I remember was a lot of shouting and shoving. Then things got nasty when garlic sauce hit the journalist’s shirt. There was lettuce and pitta bread everywhere. It was really scary.”

Asked about the incident two days later, Simon Brazier from ‘Don’t Eat Food with a Face’ clarified his argument:

“Me and my colleagues were enjoying some late-night sustenance when we were approached by a rather aggressive journalist.

“We were asked why we were ‘feeding our faces’ with kebab meat when we organise violent protests against the consumption of animals.

“I politely pointed out that the kebab meat we had chosen was made from a range of nutritious vegetables and spices, upon which the journalist proceeded to calling us all hypocrites and liars.

“I would like to place on record that we bought these kebabs in good faith. Had we known they contained the scrapings of an abattoir floor, we would have opted for the vegetable supreme pizza.”

Northumbria Police have confirmed that a journalist was admitted to the Royal Victoria Infirmary on Saturday evening with chilli sauce burns to his eyes, nose and anus.