Top Naturalists Get Loads of Fanny, Says Sir David Attenborough

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Sir David Attenborough
Television programme: Micro Monsters. Sir David Attenborough and a Goliath Beetle.

After years of speculation, Sir David Attenborough has finally confirmed that the UK’s top naturalists and zoologists ‘get loads of fanny’.

Sir David was talking to the world’s press at a recent awards dinner when he revealed that he constantly has to ‘beat the minge back with a stick’.

It has long been believed that biologists and zoologists struggle to attract the attention of the opposite sex, but this latest development seems to have cast leading naturalists in a new light.

It seems that a combination of tweed, comb-over hairstyle and innate Britishness makes ‘science slags’ weak at the knees – something that has been denied by leading scientists foe decades.

Sir David admits that his animal magnetism can be a little tiresome at times.

“My god, in my 30s the gash was never-ending. I could be knee-deep in monkey shit and sweating like a fat lass in a chip shop – I’d still be able to open a pair of legs with just a wink.

“But as one gets older, one has to rein things in a little. I just couldn’t go on dipping my wick like that. So, I restrict myself to no more than three science groupies a month.

“I’ve has such a fantastic career, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve slept with the golden sub-nosed monkeys of China, swam with Amazon River dolphins in Bolivia and danced with the short-skirted slappers of Newcastle. What a ride!”