After many years of speculation, the manufacturers of corn-based snack Monster Munch have revealed that a ‘Flamin Hot’ is a collection of synthetic chemical compounds designed to make people groan with pleasure and cry at the same time.
While many within the food industry had speculated that a ‘Flamin Hot’ was a rare type of chilli pepper from a Peruvian forest, Bob Sanders from Sutton Coldfield wasn’t being fooled for a minute.
“I knew that whatever makes Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch so damn delicious wasn’t animal, vegetable OR mineral. I knew it wasn’t meat, and I was pretty sure that no vegetable could give deliver such a taste sensation.
“It had to be something similar to meth, because I just can’t stop. My tongue has been numb since 2001, and my lips look like a baboon’s arse. I need help, but Walkers insist on selling this evil in every shop I visit.”
A spokesperson for Walker’s crisps was adamant that ‘Flamin Hot’ is perfectly safe for human consumption.
“I’d like to state for the record that we spent many years in the Congo’s finest laboratories perfecting the unique ‘Flamin Hot’ taste. We believe that eating crisps should be an experience, and that a little danger during your snacking is no bad thing.
“While we accept that some people have endured extra large stools and orange pee after eating Flamin’ Hot, we think that this whole experience is part of the Monster Munch adventure. If you’re looking for nutrition, eat a fu**ing apple.”
Although Walkers Crisps wouldn’t go into detail about what chemical compounds are used in Flamin Hot, it is thought that at least two of the substances are also used in the production of Nando’s vaguely named ‘Hot’ sauce.