Bill Kenwright to Launch Everton: The Musical

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Everton chairman Bill Kenwright in the stands

Everton Chairman, Bill Kenwright is planning to launch a west end musical, based on the woes of Everton Football Club.

The theatre entrepreneur has been looking at ways of generating funds for cash strapped Everton and he believes using the Everton players on stage is a great way to both boost the club’s appeal and provide much-needed transfer funds.

We understand that plans for the show are well advanced and many of the club’s high profile stars are set to play integral roles. “Romelu Lukaku will be playing the lead,” a club spokesman told us. “Romelu has fabulous stage presence and calves like a ballet dancer. He has been working on getting rid of that hideous Belgian accent and improving his singing voice. We are very proud of him.”

The premise of the musical is believed to be the club’s struggle to attract decent players to the club and the personal struggle of manager, Roberto Martinez. Following the smash hits, ‘We Will Rock You’ and ‘Mamma Mia,’ the show will feature the music of global girl band sensations, The Spice Girls.

A source close to Kenwright is proud of what has been achieved so far. “Its wonderful to see these normally ‘butch’ footballers wearing tights and strutting their stuff, some of them have real talent. Phil Jagielka is to die for in a dress, and Ross Barkley can leap like a gazelle.”

However, we are led to believe the real show stealer will be Leighton Baines, who delivers a rendition of the Spice Girl hit, ‘Two Become One.’ Baines has been taking the show very seriously and is considering going pro when he hangs up his boots.

“Singing gives me a warm glow inside and I get very emotional,” said Baines. “The lads take the piss but I’m an emotional guy and I wanted to get right under the skin of my character. Performing on stage in the west end is going to be a huge thrill and I only hope I can do it justice.”

The pinnacle of the show is believed to be Kevin Mirallas’ rendition of ‘Spice Up Your Life.’ The Everton favourite will be carried to the stage on a golden throne before dancing, disco style, with a dozen backing dancers.

“I love seventies gear and getting the chance to show everyone my disco moves is very special,” enthused Mirallas. “I was a little uncomfortable with the sequins at first and the trousers don’t leave much to the imagination. I’m just glad my love of music has finally helped my career.”

The news has provoked a furious reaction from many Everton fans.

“It’s a joke,” said Everton fan, Peter Cunningham “The Liverpool fans will be taking the piss for years over this. The Spice Girls? What was wrong with Westlife or Take That? The Spice Girls broke up years ago. It’s an embarrassment for the club, its fans and the players.”

It is understood that the players only have three months to rehearse before the production opens at the Palladium. Changes to the players’ routines have been implemented including regular singing practice, manicures and daily team viewings of classics such as My Fair Lady and High School Musical.