I Only Want to See One Dollar Bills at Strip Clubs, Says Sepp Blatter

Blatter fumes at Brodkin's paltry bribe


Simon Brodkin throws cash at Sepp Blatter
Photo: ESPN

Following prankster Simon Brodkin’s interruption of a FIFA press conference, outgoing President Sepp Blatter has insisted that the only time he wants to see dollar bills is in the thongs of strippers at his local Honkers club.

Just as Blatter’s press conference was about to start, the comedian – as his character Jason Bent – barged his way in, claiming he had the cash required to send the 2026 World Cup to North Korea. However, it appears Mr Blatter was less than impressed with the amount being offered.

The FIFA President spoke to assembled journalists just after the incident, and he was fuming with rage:

“I have never been so insulted in my life. This Joker had a wad of notes in his hand, but he was clearly trying to pull a fast one. There were a couple of tens on the top, but the rest were just dollar bills.

“I don’t know who this Mr Brodkin is, but his actions have shown complete contempt for me, FIFA and the game of football. He should know that we like our payments sent by wire transfer to the Cayman Islands, not thrown at us in public.”

Although Brodkin is well known for interrupting high-profile events, it seems that Mr Blatter had no idea who the man brandishing dollar bills was.

“I only want to see dollar bills in the skimpy thongs of strippers and cocktail hosts. To attempt to hand me such a pathetic amount of cash is simply unforgivable. I believe Mr Brodkin is British, so I will be writing a strongly worded letter of protest to David Cameron in the morning.”

Blatter was about to outline new rules regarding the way FIFA conducts its World Cup bidding processes. Among the proposed reforms are a bribe limit of $300,000, full transparency regarding gifts valued at over $10 million and a full background check of all incoming FIFA officials -conducted by the newly formed FIFA Integrity Committee.