Olympic Athletes Told to Take ‘Proper’ Drugs

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Men's 100m British Champs final - Dwayne Chambers

Following the doping controversy surrounding the Russian Olympic team, the head of Sky Sports has suggested that ratings for athletics could be given a boost if athletes took ‘proper’ drugs.

Russian athletes are currently banned from competing in events around the world after allegations of cheating. But Stephen Wright from Sky Sports believes a ‘deal could be done’ if all athletes commit to taking an approved hallucinogen.

Sky Sports supremo Wright pulled no punches when he was asked about the sports perception problem.

“Everybody knows that athletics is shit. People only watch it during the Olympics, and then its through a false sense of national pride.”

“Who the fuck wants to watch people running round in circles or jumping over shit. But add hallucinations, slurred speech, coordination problems and bouts of heightened emotion to the mix, and the TV audiences would go through the roof.

“I mean, Mo Farrah is quite popular, but imagine how popular he’d be if he was tripping his nut on mushies or pills?

“Of course, we’d need to take precautions, such as providing lots of bottled water, sick buckets and trackside psychiatric teams. But I know that giggling, grinning and hallucinating will enrich the sport – and bring the viewers back.”

Sources close to the BOA have confirmed that plans are in place to launch the 100m cry, the bong jump and the egg on a hot spoon race.