Roy Hodgson Causes Press Press Conference Outrage After Mispronouncing ‘Rankings’

"The rankings gave our players an enormous sense of satisfaction and relief"

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Roy Hodgson

England manager, Roy Hodgson caused outrage at a recent pre-match press conference after claiming the recent rankings have given both him and the England players a sense of ‘satisfaction and relief.’

Roy Hodgson has hitherto been received well by the British press, bringing an open and honest attitude that flies in the face of may of his predecessors. However, the gasps of shock and outrage suggested that, for once, his forthcoming approach may have been ill-judged.

One reporter for a leading French sports magazine talked of the chaos and hysterics that followed Hodgson’s comments.

“To be honest, we were all a little bored up to that point. We struggle to understand Mr Hodgson, his accent is peculiar,” explained Phillipe Marveaux.

“I was about to get up and leave when he suggested rankings gave him and the team satisfaction. One poor lady in the front row shrieked loudly and appeared to faint. There was a very big commotion and paramedics rushed in to attend to her.

“We only realised Mr Hodgson’s speech impediment had been to blame a few minutes later, however, the damage had already been done. Poor Mr Hodgson has difficulty saying words that begin with ‘R,’ they sound like a ‘W!’

The scenes that followed were both shocking and chaotic, as press officials from the Football Association tried to explain the England manager’s comments. Several punches appeared to be thrown in the direction of the ageing England boss, all thankfully cushioned by the sturdy chin of England hard man, Theo Walcott.

A spokesperson from the Football Association explained what happened.

“The room just went up,” explained Fred Forster,  head of Media Manipulation at the FA. “Microphones went flying, women were screaming, chairs were thrown, children were crying – which was annoying because children aren’t allowed into official Euro 2012 press conferences. There was a stampede towards Roy from all areas of the room.

“I tried to protect Mr Hodgson from several attempts at assault on his person, but was caught by a glancing blow from a Dictaphone – lazy journalism. It was then that Mr Walcott attempted to shield Roy from a punch from a member of the tabloid media. Mr Walcott is to be commended for his bravery, as he suffered a serious cut to his eye.

“We want to stress that Mr Hodgson was merely referring to the FIFA world rankings and in no way meant offence to anyone. People wrongly believed he was referring to the act of sexual self pleasure; however, this is absolutely not the case. Mr Hodgson suffers from a speech impediment and usually gets help with the planning of press statements.

“It would appear that in this instance, Mr Hodgson strayed from message and began to improvise. We can categorically state that this will not happen again. We apologise to the world’s media and to those who were watching at home.”

The Daily Tackle understands that Mrs Brenda Groves of Upminster was the lady undergoing emergency first aid amidst the chaotic press conference.

Mrs Groves was a representative of “Church Life” magazine and had apparently boarded the wrong press bus at Alicante airport. She should have been visiting some of Spain’s many sites of spiritual importance, instead she found herself in the middle of an international sporting incident, fighting for her life. Doctors are happy with her progress and she has now been moved from intensive care to a normal ward.

Ofcom confirmed that the live press conference was the subject of 23,000 formal complaints. A full investigation is planned, but all Hodgson press conferences will now be recorded until further notice.