Apple’s Mobile Kill Switch Causes First Death

Steal an iPhone, and you might just end up dead.


iPhone 6

After widespread criticism of the lax security measures in its phones, Apple today confirmed the first death caused by the iPhone 6’s so-called ‘kill switch’.

Apple customers have bombarded the tech giant with complaints about iPhones in recent years – many claiming that their phones can simply be fitted with a new sim card and sold on in days.

The latest incarnation of Apple’s flagship product was fitted with a ‘kill switch’ following a series of bad reviews from tech publications around the world. However, it seems that Apple took these calls literally.

Simon de Vere from Chatham, Kent was horrified when he saw a suspected thief meet a grisly end recently.

“I was walking down the High Street, minding my own business, when I heard a woman screaming. She was shouting something like ‘thief’ or ‘stop that thief’.

“I then saw this rather unsavoury chap hurtling towards me. He was wearing a Burberry fitted cap and some sort of sportswear, so I assumed he must have been one of those chav chaps.

“Anyway, the phone he was carrying suddenly started to flash. It then burst into flames, and spat out a liquid of some description. The chav chap held his face in agony, and began writing around on the ground. Most unseemly.”

Gillingham General Hospital has confirmed that a man in his 20s was admitted this morning with burns to his face and hands, as well as an Apple logo imprinted on his forehead. He died of injuries at 12.05PM today.

Fiona Shackleton of Gadgetry Magazine believes this new measure will deter thieves in the future.

“If someone steals your phone, they need to take what’s coming to them. These thieving little bastards have absolutely no respect for the property of other people.

“Only last week, this little shit swiped my phone off my table as I was eating a Big Mac. Then, three days later, my tits were plastered all over the Internet.

“If people need to die for this to stop, I’m all for it.”