Latest Samsung Phone Actually Does Wipe Your Arse and Make Your Tea

The phone that takes you to the toilet and makes you hot drinks has arrived.

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Samsung Galaxy S6

Samsung has officially launched its eagerly anticipated Galaxy S6 and s6 Edge smartphones, and it has been revealed that they both include functions that make tea and wipe arses.

The troubled South Korean electronics giant has been desperately trying to claw back market share from Apple, and if the first reviews are to be believed, these latest incarnations of Samsung’s flagship phone could have Apple executives sweating.

Giles Tomkinson from Samsung Europe believes that this new phone could be a game-changer for the smartphone market across the world.

“What we have here is a bright new dawn in mobile technology. Our customers have been saying that the only things our phones don’t do are make a nice cup of tea and wipe their bottom. Well, the S6 changes all that.

“We listened to the concerns of our loyal customers, and we think we have created a phone that performs two of the most important tasks carried out by a carer.

“Our patented A-Wipe™ technology is voice-activated, and it works through a series of extending antennae that get right to the crux of the age-old wiping issue. This ground-braking technology is compatible with all leading toilet papers, including Aldi’s Triple Wipe Saxon brand.

“The tea-making functions of the new S6 will have the people of Britain very excited. Our Cupp ‘a’ Char™ technology will have three different settings at launch. Pisswater™, builder’s tea and Milk ‘e’ Dishwater™ will be available on the Edge model only, but we do hope to roll out more tea settings over the coming months.”

Doris McCarthy, 84, of Belfast expressed her excitement at the launch of Samsung’s new wonder phone.

“I have real trouble wiping my arse, and I can’t make a decent cup of tea to save my life. This new phone is going to change my life.

“I’m not very good with all this new technology stuff though, so I just hope I don’t get things mixed up and scold my arse with a piping hot cup of Earl Grey.”